Stress becomes my friend, a feeling of a journalists

Peshawar – Reporting with stress is common from Peshawar KP region, mostly journalists who’s covering the blast for their TV channel or news papers them always angry and they feel insecure every where.

Tension make every one sick in KP Region specially they people of the capital city, but the most affected people are journalists whose reporting these things. Working since 1998 as journalist I never worried about life and death , because I believe that death have their own time and when its come , its come every where but !

In current situation I worried about my family , yesterday I saw the body parts of young kids in Kohat bus stand , whose half head and upper body found after the blast. That’s make me stressed, because I thoughts if it’s my own daughter, what will my feeling. I saw the face of my daughter on that’s young girls. These thoughts make me nervous more, although she was not my family member but as a human I feel bad for every one especially for those whose doing these things in our area.

On 23 February 2012 terrorist used a vehicle to target the army personal whose return to home from Miran shah, but the army personal exit 5 minute before and the blast occurred that’s make 14 people killed and more then 38 injured including the young kids.

Its common practice for every journalist whose cover the blast, he reached first on spot getting information and taking picture is difficult work, but its routine work. Being a working journalist when I heard that blast occurred in school I thought about my daughters first and then run to spot of the blast.

I meet so many people whose come after the blast to check their beloved and the feeling of mother , brother , father make my feeling hurt. I ask as human if my mother, brother, sister or wife comes on the bomb spot to see me, if unfortunately I hit by blast. These thoughts make me tense and hurt.

From July 2008 till now I cover most blasts for my local tv channel , during these coverage’s I meet different people , even in 5 time me and my crew save the grace of almighty God. On the time of some extremist of other community whose angry on the spot of suicide blast at Hangu, that why I reporting there. But because of my camera person they leave me.

Even when during coverage of blast another blast occurred at Pajagi road Peshawar behind me and almighty save me, although two time security force start firing on me during blast coverage , but that’s not feel me.

I have my own experience when I interview the leader of Lashker Islam (Islam Force) in Khyber agency and I asked harsh question from the leader. Local journalist and a correspondent of the SKY TV on were there during interviews.

After my question the leader silent but after the interviews every one leave the area of Taliban the leader stop me and said “why you asked harsh question from me “why not I kick you from this mountain, in which u and me stand and I replied “u have right to do every thing “but as guest I am here so now you think “and he leave me. Even that time I never thoughts life or death.

When ever I cover the blast and return to home its make me sick, I feel it’s a sign of sick , I love my family and I try don’t used harsh word to my young daughters , but now I realized when ever I cover the blast my feeling totally change , my behavior change to my family . I used harsh word and I shout every one even to my 5 year old twin daughters.

“I didn’t want talk to any one, I want silence after blast, during coverage the blast I hide all my feeling, thoughts which try to attack on my mind, but I control and whenever I return to my home my stress start. I want silence and if some one tries to talk me I start shouting.”

Today I discover another thing on my body stress become my friend now and pain on my neck is getting permanent , because today again I cover the blast as journalist and thoughts as human , that’s make me anger and pain In my neck starts.

Yesterday during of the blast in Kohat bus stand the smell of the explosive make me sick and during coverage headache makes to kill me, first time during converge I want vomiting because of smell of the explosive.

As a working journalist blast is always news for me on different aspects , but when its come to my own family life its give me stress , tension and until today I didn’t find any relaxation to my mind , body nor I found the way “ how I will tackle these thoughts “ which gives me stress and pain also change my behaviors “.

Some of my friends whose cover the blast feel nothing, even they seen horrible scene of the blast, but may be they are more powerful then me or they have control on their feeling or mind. But compare to them when I hear any blast, even the single fire I worried and am feel insecure here.

I know some of my colleague whose also attached with TV channel they didn’t feel anything on these issues. we were in meeting in 2010 and blasting in city rarely going , after the long time blast occurred in Peshawar city and one of my friend said “ thanks God blast occurred now the people see my on tv screen “. The wordings of journalist feel me, that blasting is good because he comes on TV screen. That time first I feel shame on my self that it’s our journalism.

Blast occurred in Kohat bus stand on 11.15 pm yesterday and its now 1.am and I want to sleep but when I close the eyes, dead bodies come to my mind and sleep gone , I want to relax my mind and body but have no way for relaxation the mind and body.